EP20 Workshop 06 - Managing the Crisis of Infidelity - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Couples often come to therapy in the aftermath of infidelity. Their marriage is in crisis, their emotions are intense, and you are required to quickly organize a lot of complex information into a coherent treatment plan. How do you do this with confidence?

Discover what to look for, how to delineate core treatment issues in the initial, middle and termination stages of therapy. Next, use 10 parameters to assess the meaning of the infidelity and then uncover the major types of lies and deception to give you a solid way to determine what to address and when.

Educational Objectives:

1. How to evaluate the meaning of an affair
2. The value of obsessing about an affair and its details
3. 4 main types of lies and why the types of lies matters
4. How to organize what you know about the couple into a coherent treatment plan

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Session Introduction & Infidelity Overview

• Dr. Ellen Bader addresses the emotional trauma of infidelity and trust betrayal.

• Highlights challenges of monogamy and the deep pain involved when trust is broken.

Challenges for Therapists

• Common issues: over-identifying with betrayed partner, negative feelings toward the unfaithful partner.

• Emphasizes confronting lies and deception directly.

• Shares insights from a survey of therapists on managing infidelity crises.

Stages & Dynamics of Infidelity

• Infidelity defined as betrayal of trust, not just about sex but deception.

• Importance of assessing relationship history, attachment styles, affair details, and types of lies involved.

• Describes “other differentiation” to understand the unfaithful partner’s motivations.

Case Study: Dom & Arielle

• Explores Dom’s repeated infidelities and underlying unresolved trauma (father's suicide, fear of commitment).

• Arielle struggles with self-worth and dependence on Dom’s approval.

• Uses therapeutic techniques (two-chair Gestalt) to help Dom face his internal conflicts.

Therapeutic Approaches & Individual Work

• Emphasizes individual accountability and self-reflection for both partners.

• Encourages betrayed partners to understand the motivations of their partner’s infidelity.

• Highlights need for couples to manage complex emotions and tolerate ambiguity.

Effective & Ineffective Repairs

• Effective strategies: Genuine remorse, transparency, proactive discussions about triggers.

• Ineffective strategies: Avoidance, defensiveness, pressuring partner to quickly “move on.”

Handling Therapy Challenges

• When one partner refuses couples counseling, therapists guide individual toward self-understanding and exploring their choices.

• Addresses challenges working with narcissistic individuals, stressing long-term empathy development.

LGBTQ & Non-Monogamous Relationships

• Infidelity treatment principles apply to LGBTQ couples; complexities can arise with non-monogamous agreements.

• Higher differentiation levels help navigate consensual non-monogamy successfully.

Final Remarks

• Encourages differentiation and individual growth to effectively manage infidelity crises.

• Highlights importance of clear communication, transparency, and mutual empathy in rebuilding trust.