EP20 Speech 12 - The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Practical Model for Helping Couples Bridge the Sexual Desire Gaps - Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW

Description:

One out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire—a formula for marital disaster. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned, or uncaring, sex isn’t the only casualty; a sense of emotional connection can also disappear.

Complicating matters is that fact that many couples (and some therapists) feel uncomfortable discussing sex and remain focused on “Red Herring” issues. This workshop offers a hands-on, collaborative model for addressing the "elephant in the room" and restoring sexual and emotional connection.

Educational Objectives:

1. Motivate the lower-desire partner to feel more empathy for their higher-desire spouse
2. End the vicious cycle of rejection that leads to anger, more refusal, and more anger
3. Persuade each partner to take personal responsibility for breaking patterns that lead to emotional and physical disconnection

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction to the Sex-Starved Marriage

• Michele Weiner-Davis introduces herself as founder of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, CO.

• Highlights her book The Sex-Starved Marriage and her TEDx talk (6M+ views).

• Emphasizes relevance to all intimate relationships, including same-sex and dating couples.

• Notes her early therapy approach prioritized emotional issues, which proved insufficient.

Challenges in Addressing Sexual Desire Gaps

• Common dynamic: one partner feels emotionally disconnected, the other physically disconnected.

• Both partners often wait for the other to change first—leads to therapy stalemates.

• Initially focused on emotional repair before discussing sex, with limited success.

• Shifted strategy to prioritize sexual connection earlier in treatment.

The Importance of Addressing Sexual Issues

• Advocates for initiating discussion about sex early in therapy.

• Early sexual reconnection can make emotional repair more accessible.

• Many clients report previous therapists never asked about their sex life.

• Defines sex-starved marriage as imbalance in desire and lack of mutual understanding.

Impact of Sexual Desire Gaps on Relationships

• Lack of sex linked to emotional disconnection, infidelity, and divorce.

• Lower desire spouse often holds control, leading to deep rejection in higher desire spouse.

• Shares quote illustrating emotional devastation of prolonged rejection.

• Sexual desire gaps are the top complaint seen by sex therapists.

Common Causes and Solutions for Sexual Desire Gaps

• Causes include abuse history, dysfunction, and unresolved emotional baggage.

• Provides practical tools and solutions rather than theoretical explanations.

• Case study: Lisa and Steve exemplify frustration and misaligned intimacy needs.

• Emphasizes balancing affection for lower desire spouse with patience from higher desire spouse.

Real Giving and the Five Love Languages

• Introduces “Real Giving”: offering love the way your partner receives it.

• Shares personal story from her own marriage to highlight this concept.

• Uses Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages to guide couples in understanding needs:

  • Quality time

  • Words of affirmation

  • Gifts

  • Acts of service

  • Physical touch

Exercise and Transformation in Couples Therapy

• Leads couples through exercises to identify and express love languages.

• Case: two-day intensive helps one couple better understand and bridge their desire gap.

• Stresses ending the blame game and fostering mutual accountability.

• Promotes open dialogue to rebuild connection.

Empathy and Realistic Expectations for Higher Desire Spouses

• Encourages empathy in higher desire spouse for their partner’s pace and differences.

• Urges celebration of small steps and positive reinforcement.

• Recommends use of emotion (“the F word”—feelings) over blame.

• Advises graciousness and realistic acceptance of imperfect progress.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

• Stresses the importance of proactively addressing sexual concerns in therapy.

• Urges therapists to examine their own biases and stretch outside comfort zones.

• Empathy and curiosity can drive change more effectively than judgment.

• Ends with a call for therapists to be active and courageous in tackling sexual desire issues.