EP13 Workshop 33 – Affairs: Helping Couples to Heal from Infidelity – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

If you work with couples, you’re no stranger to infidelity. And because healing from infidelity is challenging, it behooves us to have a clear roadmap of the territory. We’ll go over an array of post-affair issues, including ways to deal with intense emotions, whether to discuss the details of the betrayal, how to begin rebuilding trust in the aftermath of the discovery; whether to have clinical ultimatums about ending affairs, how to handle setbacks; and how to deal with residual feelings for the affair partner. We’ll explore a step-by-step treatment plan and discuss how to tailor it to each couple’s unique needs.

Educational Objectives:

1. Review what both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse must do to heal from infidelity.
2. Discuss & practice what to do when disclosure is made during an individual session.
3. Name and discuss methods for overcoming the most common impasses in helping couples heal from infidelity.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Background of Michele Weiner-Davis

• Michele Weiner-Davis is director of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado, and also has an office in Illinois.

• She specializes in two-day intensives for couples, with 90–95% involving infidelity.

• Her focus has shifted from general family therapy to treating severe relationship crises, especially infidelity.

• Developed a telephone coaching program to support couples nationwide.

Approach to Infidelity and Therapy Techniques

• Encourages therapists to bring their authentic selves to therapy and adapt their style.

• Believes infidelity, while painful, can be healed — like a bone healing stronger.

• Therapy should be shaped by cultural awareness and flexibility.

Gender Differences and Common Misconceptions

• Notes men often want to fix things while women seek emotional processing.

• Challenges the myth that affairs always signal deeper marital problems — some affairs happen even in happy marriages.

• Emphasizes focusing on what works, not just theoretical causes.

Challenges and Strategies in Infidelity Therapy

• Common dynamic: one partner wants to leave, the other desperately wants to save the marriage.

• Importance of balancing talk about the affair with strengthening the bond.

• Therapists should be directive and instill hope.

• Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are key for both partners.

Practical Tools and Techniques for Couples

• Uses tools like structured conversations and thought-stopping exercises.

• Helps couples identify relapse triggers and redefine monogamy.

• Encourages examination of personal vulnerabilities that led to the affair.

Addressing Personal Responsibility and Reassurance

• The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility and be transparent.

• Sharing details (appropriately) can support healing.

• Requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to rebuild trust.

Managing Setbacks and Maintaining Hope

• Progress is nonlinear — therapists should help clients normalize setbacks.

• Focus on small wins and steady encouragement.

• Patience and persistence are vital.

Dealing with Family and Social Pressure

• External voices (e.g., disapproving family) can influence the couple negatively.

• Therapists help clients develop plans to handle unsupportive feedback.

• Emphasizes attending to the wider relational system.

Final Thoughts and Encouragement

• Michele encourages therapists to stay hopeful and committed to this work.

• Believes most couples can heal with the right tools and mindset.

• Calls for a solution-focused, emotionally present therapeutic stance.

Couple’s Decision to Live Apart

• Living apart after infidelity may increase divorce risk.

• Prefers couples stay together to allow rebuilding through connection.

• Separation can reduce opportunities for repair.

Impact of Partial Disclosure

• Partial disclosures can cause ongoing harm.

• Encourages full disclosure in a safe, supported way.

• Sometimes uses individual sessions to prepare for disclosure.

Success Rates: Emotional vs. Physical Infidelity

• Severity is subjective — some couples recover from multiple affairs; others separate over minor incidents.

• Emphasizes the meaning assigned by the betrayed partner.

Confidentiality and Therapist’s Role

• Therapists should set clear confidentiality boundaries before individual sessions.

• Never do what you’re uncomfortable with, even if taught in workshops.

• Provides contact info and encourages professional training.

Handling Behavioral Changes in Clients

• If a betrayed partner reports appearance changes in the other, avoid overreacting.

• Validate and reinforce positive change without triggering suspicion.

Treatment Considerations for Same-Sex Couples

• Emotional dynamics are often similar across orientations.

• Treatment focuses on core relationship issues, not sexual orientation.

Dealing with Anger Toward the Affair Partner

• Explore client goals before encouraging confrontation.

• Email or symbolic closure may help.

• Focus on managing emotion and moving forward.

Addressing Insecurity in Long-Term Counseling

• If repeated reassurance fails, shift strategy.

• Suggest acting as though tired of repeating — may prompt change.

• Revisit strategies if results aren’t improving.

Resistance to Couple’s Therapy

• Offer different formats or alternative ways to engage the reluctant partner.

• Use coaching to help the unfaithful partner make adjustments that could reduce resistance.