EP13 Workshop 19 - It Takes One to Tango: Doing Couples Therapy with Individuals - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

That only one partner is willing to seek relationship therapy should not deter therapists, since there is much that can be accomplished. In fact, there are occasions when working with only one partner is preferable. This workshop will explore these situations and offer therapists a conceptual framework for conducting relationship-oriented sessions with one partner present.

Educational Objectives:

1. Describe how seeing couples with divergent goals conjointly can be detrimental.
2. Discuss how to ascertain the absent partners’ views, feelings and goals for the relationship.
3. Discuss how to motivate the client to take responsibility for change in light of his/her partners’ lack of participation.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Strengthening Marriages After Infidelity

• Emphasizes that infidelity doesn’t always indicate a bad marriage; some partners still report strong bonds

• Infidelity is treated as a crisis and opportunity to rebuild trust and deepen the relationship

• Therapist must affirm that the betrayed spouse is not to blame for the affair

Handling Betrayal and Intrusive Thoughts

• Normalize the emotional impact on the betrayed partner (e.g., flashbacks, PTSD-like symptoms)

• Teaches "thought-stopping" with visual cues (e.g., red stop sign) followed by safe imagery

• Reinforces repetition and practice to replace intrusive images with calm mental scenes

Supporting Recovery Through Setbacks

• Encourage clients to notice progress even in setbacks (e.g., shorter duration, quicker recovery)

• Help couples view emotional regressions as part of a forward-moving process

The Role of Forgiveness

• Defines forgiveness as a conscious decision and self-gift, not a favor to the unfaithful partner

• Encourages both spouses to work toward forgiveness—of each other and themselves

Ending the Affair

• Stresses the necessity of decisively ending the affair for any healing to occur

• Acknowledges grief and longing for the affair partner as normal and separate from marriage dissatisfaction

• Preempts assumptions (e.g., pensive moments don’t always signal longing for the affair partner)

Promoting Empathy and Remorse

• Urges the unfaithful partner to show active empathy and remorse

• Helps the betrayed spouse identify specific words or actions that convey true remorse

• Empathy must override the shame felt by the unfaithful spouse

Creating Safety for the Betrayed Spouse

• Therapist coaches betrayed partners to specify what makes them feel safe (e.g., location updates)

• Frames temporary monitoring as a crisis measure, not a permanent dynamic

Exploring the ‘Why’ of the Affair

• Helps the unfaithful spouse reflect on when and how they gave themselves permission to cheat

• Encourages exploration of emotional and behavioral triggers

• Supports understanding for both partners without excusing the behavior

Verbal Commitments Matter

• Emphasizes importance of not just behavior but also spoken commitments not to cheat again

• Some clients need to hear explicit promises in addition to seeing actions

Working Through Shame

• Unfaithful partners often experience debilitating shame

• Therapist validates that everyone makes mistakes and self-forgiveness is key to healing

Focus on Integrity and Bright Spots

• Highlights the importance of seeing integrity even in clients struggling with affairs

• Encourages therapists to direct focus to parts of clients that are still committed to their marriage

• “What you focus on expands”—therapists should attend to marriage-preserving motivations

Final Messages to Therapists

• Offers to email material on the Last Resort Technique upon request

• Encourages therapists to avoid emotional cutoffs in their personal lives to model connection

• Closes with call to embody love and relational resilience in everyday life.