CC21 Keynote 04 - Love Is Not Enough - Stan Tatkin, PsyD

Description:

As with any approach, couple therapy must have a clear vision toward which the couple can navigate. We may call this the therapeutic goal or therapeutic narrative. The clarity by which the therapist holds this vision and expects the couple to meet this goal largely determines therapeutic success. One such goal is the partner co-creation of a relationship ethos or ethical system based on shared purpose, shared vision, and shared principles of governance. A principle-based relationship, while not based on feelings, may prove vital to the prevention of common relational threat while essential to the fostering of mutually earned love, respect, and admiration. This keynote focuses on what predicts long term success in adult romantic relationships. We will discuss how purpose and shared vision sets the stage for meaningful, long lasting relationships, and how a lack of purpose, shared meaning, and shared principles of governance (guardrails that protect partners from each other) is a predictor of accumulated, psychobiological threat and eventual dissolution. Love is not enough to ensure relationship endurance given the ever-present, survival-based nature of the human primate.

Educational Objectives:

1. To be able to list at least five characteristics of a secure-functioning relationship.
2. To be able to describe at least three brain error potentials.
3. To be able to list at least five examples of shared principles of governance.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Stan Tatkin's Opening Remarks

• Expresses appreciation and desire to attend in person next year.

• Reflects on inspiration from sessions on sexuality, identity, and social justice.

• Introduces talk theme: “Love Is Not Enough” — focus on principle-based relationships.

• Emphasizes understanding relational challenges to sustain intimacy.

The Human Condition and Relationship Dynamics

• Love is fleeting; lasting relationships require shared purpose and principles.

• Couples benefit from a shared mythology guiding their relationship vision.

• Existential realities (e.g., death, uncertainty) influence how couples bond.

• Long-term success hinges on mutual purpose, vision, and agreements.

Shared Purpose and Vision in Relationships

• Examples: “We survive and thrive together” or “We are each other’s burden.”

• Mutual stakeholder roles mirror those in military/emergency services.

• Governance and shared responsibility prevent unfairness and resentment.

• Couples must co-create rules for managing themselves and others.

Human Error Potential and Communication Challenges

• Humans are wired for aggression and self-interest; this affects relationships.

• Social contracts protect partners from acting destructively.

• Communication, memory, and perception are flawed—clarity is vital.

• Micro-communication and high attunement reduce threats and misreadings.

The Role of Stress in Relationships

• Stress disrupts empathy, decision-making, and compassion.

• Under stress, people become reactive, self-centered, and less forgiving.

• Therapists must understand stress’s neurological impact on couples.

• Managing stress is essential to preserving connection and cooperation.

Principles of Governance in Relationships

• Governance = fairness, justice, sensitivity, and shared authority.

• Requires mutual decision-making, conflict repair strategies, and transparency.

• Shared purpose helps guide behaviors and resolve disputes.

The Importance of Shared Purpose and Vision

• Examples: “Stay in love,” “Raise good citizens.”

• Prevents imbalance and social insensitivity.

• Both partners must have equal investment and aligned goals.

• Co-creation of relationship structure and values is key.

The Role of Therapists in Social Justice

• Therapists must understand clients’ social context and systemic pressures.

• Avoid imposing personal views; support co-created couple values.

• Help couples build just, fair frameworks rooted in mutual sensitivity.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

• Recap: relationships need shared purpose, vision, and principled governance.

• Recognize human error and build repair mechanisms into the relationship.

• Therapists help couples regulate, correct mistakes, and sustain security.