CC17 Workshop 15 - Healing the Fragmented Self in Couples Treatment - Janina Fisher, PhD

CC17 Workshop 15 - Healing the Fragmented Self in Couples Treatment - Janina Fisher, PhD

Description:

Couples enter relationships with unconscious hopes that these will be reparative, that their wounded child selves will finally experience the cherishing for which they have longed. As each triggers or disappoints the other's hurt child selves, protector parts rise to the defense with anger, withdrawal, threats, or shame. In this model, couples are helped to identify hurt, angry, fearful feelings as communications from young parts and their vigorous defensive responses as those of protector parts. By having a way to 'hover above' their conflicts, 'own' hurt and disappointment as the feelings of a young child, and take responsibility for their fight/flight behavior, couples develop a new language that promotes safety and closeness.

Educational Objectives:

1. Identify actions and reactions triggered in the relationship as communications from child parts.
2. Describe the contributions of protector parts to the conflicts in the relationship.
3. Demonstrate new relational patterns in which the soothing of one's young parts becomes the focus of attention, rather than assumed to be the responsibility of the partner.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

Healing the Fragmented Self in Couples Treatment

• Introduction to the concept of the fragmented self and its role in couples therapy.
• Reference to the idea that past versions of ourselves remain within us, emphasizing integration of past experiences.
• Disowning the traumatized child self is often a survival strategy but creates internal alienation and attachment difficulties.

Alienation from Self and Its Consequences

• Alienation from the child self creates fear around vulnerability and emotional expression.
• Disowning the child self can stem from fear of abuse, neglect, or rejection.
• Therapists often encounter frustration when clients minimize their trauma experiences.
• Strong family attachment can make reconnecting with the child self emotionally difficult.

Implicit Memories and Their Impact on Couples

• Traumatic experiences are stored as unassembled neural disarray (implicit memory).
• Couples may fall into reactive patterns—one partner attacks, the other shuts down—without understanding why.
• Clients often feel ashamed, “crazy,” or overwhelmed due to implicit memories.
• These memories shape moment-to-moment identity and expectations in relationships.

Attachment Styles and Their Relevance to Couples

• Overview of attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.
• Clients’ attachment to their own child selves influences relational vulnerability.
• Healing begins with self-acceptance and self-love, not just partner connection.
• Romantic relationships often reflect a search for an ideal caregiver for the inner child.

Therapeutic Approaches to Healing Trauma

• Therapy should address the person shaped by events, not just the events themselves.
• Many clients show more compassion to others than to themselves.
• Healing involves reconnecting with the child self and offering missing childhood experiences.
• Both partners’ reactions should be validated as adaptive survival strategies, not pathologized.

Practical Techniques for Couples Therapy

• Use of symbols (e.g., a kangaroo) to represent the child self and promote empathy.
• Prefer “regulate” over “self-soothe” to avoid triggering resistance in clients.
• Simple techniques like placing a hand on the heart can signal a need for time-out.
• Tools like a nerf ball encourage playful interaction and emotional regulation during conflict.

Diagramming Techniques for Understanding Dynamics

• Diagrams help visualize internal parts: child self, teenage protector, wise adult.
• Couples map triggers, reactions, and protector responses to understand conflict cycles.
• Focus on identifying that arguments occur between protector parts—not the core selves.
• Diagrams serve as visual anchors couples can refer back to during future disagreements.

The Role of Self-Compassion and Empathy

• Healing involves adopting, not managing, the child self with compassion.
• The concept of earned secure attachment involves emotional tolerance and flexibility.
• Clients learn to notice, empathize with, and nurture their younger selves.
• The “normal life self” offers safety, warmth, and connection to the child self.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

• Validation of both partners’ responses as survival strategies is essential.
• Therapists help clients move from alienation to self-attachment through empathy and understanding.
• Emotions must be felt through the body to access and communicate with the child self.