CC12 Workshop 08 – Working with Couples in Step Families – William Doherty, PhD

Description:

Remarried couples are often poorly served by therapists who treat them without enough appreciation for the unique complexity and multiple loyalties of stepfamily life.  This workshop will combine clinical assessment and treatment issues with a special focus on values issues, such as commitment and fairness that often dominate conflict in stepfamilies.

Educational Objectives:

1. List the unique challenges of marriage in a stepfamily.
2. Describe special treatment strategies for remarried couples in stepfamilies.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Introduction and Participant Engagement

• Speaker opens with humor and shares a story about being mistaken for another speaker.

• Participants share personal and professional interest in stepfamilies, especially among military populations.

• Emphasis on early learning, engagement, and setting context for the session.

Stepfamily Demographics and Key Challenges

• Over 40% of marriages involve remarriage; 60% include children.

• Stepfamilies may form even in first marriages due to non-marital births.

• Second marriages have higher divorce rates; multiple transitions impact children.

Unique Aspects of Stepfamilies

• Step-relationships involve complex emotional dynamics: biological vs. provisional commitment.

• Therapists must address love, loyalty, fairness, and family justice differently than in first families.

• Parenting and family therapy skills are critical when working with remarried couples.

Children’s Perspectives and Emotional Struggles

• Children express loss, confusion, and difficulty adapting to new relationships and rules.

• Parenting style differences often impact children negatively.

• Empathy between original and stepparents is essential to support adjustment.

Original Parents' Challenges

• Juggle loyalty to both partner and children.

• Vulnerable to criticism of parenting; must balance emotional demands.

• Personal anecdotes underscore emotional weight of parenting in stepfamilies.

Stepparents' Roles and Struggles

• Often seek acceptance but face rejection and unclear cultural expectations.

• Emotional resilience and understanding child dynamics are key.

• Positive examples show how connection and patience can lead to family bonding.

Balancing Couple and Family Needs

• Introduces “small circle” (the couple) and “big circle” (the family) model.

• Original parents must step up parenting; stepparents need time to bond before disciplining.

• Couples benefit from reframing roles and mutual support.

Clinical Implications and Therapist Role

• Therapists should adopt a systemic view of each family member’s role.

• Empathy, validation, and individualized approaches are essential.

• Case examples used to demonstrate therapist strategies and successful outcomes.

FIRO Model and Prioritizing Family Dynamics

• Uses Family FIRO model (Inclusion, Control, Intimacy) to guide treatment.

• Helps identify competing needs and unspoken expectations in stepfamilies.

• Encourages clear role definitions and respectful communication.

Co-Parenting Complexities

• Co-equal parenting often fails in stepfamilies due to loyalty bonds and unclear authority.

• Introduces lead parent/support parent model as a more effective alternative.

• Normalizes conflict and recommends a “go slow” approach for stepparents.

Commitment and Loyalty Issues

• Loyalty tensions can arise from ex-spouses, grandparents, or children.

• Stepfamilies must protect and nurture the space for new relationship development.

• Estate planning in older step-couples can surface loyalty conflicts and moral obligations.

Case Example: Estate Planning Conflict

• Older couple negotiates inheritance concerns; wife sees mistrust, husband fears abandoning children.

• Therapist helps reframe and articulate underlying loyalty needs and resolve mistrust.

• Highlights importance of systemic framing to understand multi-layered conflicts.

Long-Term Process of Building Stepfamilies

• Relationship development in stepfamilies is often slow and nonlinear.

• Emotional breakthroughs can come years later, especially after major life events.

• Closes with reflections on loyalty conflicts and how adult and child goals may diverge.