BT12 Conversation Hour 05 - New Directions in Divorce Busting - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

Educational Objectives:

1. Learn the philosophies of various practitioners and theorists.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Michelle Weiner-Davis' Journey and Early Challenges

• Introduces herself as the “divorce buster.”

• Began working with couples in the mid-80s, initially using family-of-origin and psychotherapy models.

• Found those methods increased tension without resolving issues.

Discovering Erickson and Solution-Focused Therapy

• Inspired by Uncommon Therapy and Milton Erickson’s work.

• Trained with Steve DeShazer and Insoo Kim Berg in Milwaukee.

• Shifted to a strengths-based, future-focused approach.

• Became a “die-hard divorce buster” through applying these techniques.

Developing the Divorce Busting Model

• Tested new methods with private practice clients.

• Believes most relationship problems are solvable.

• Prioritizes client values and therapist bias awareness.

• Focuses on expanding positive aspects of a marriage.

Personal Motivation and Influences

• Motivated by her mother’s divorce and her own stable upbringing.

• Aims to help couples explore all solutions before divorcing.

• Believes therapists should bring personal values into their work.

Common Patterns in Couples Therapy

• Identifies “walk-away wife syndrome”—women disengaging after long dissatisfaction.

• Notes conflict-avoider dynamics: one partner shuts down, the other controls.

• Shares how these patterns present in therapy and complicate repair.

Divorce Busting Techniques and Strategies

• Works with highly polarized couples by validating both sides.

• Builds rapport using shared concerns like parenting.

• Provides concrete direction and action steps in sessions.

Incorporating Marriage Education

• Uses John Gottman’s research and active listening techniques.

• Initially skeptical of active listening, but found it effective.

• Encourages therapists to teach skills that enhance connection.

Therapeutic Relationship and Self-Disclosure

• Emphasizes therapeutic alliance as the key factor in success.

• Uses self-disclosure and between-session check-ins to build rapport.

• Advocates for therapists being authentic and directive.

Addressing Sexual Issues in Therapy

• Raises sexual topics even if clients don’t.

• Uses direct questions to uncover intimacy issues.

• Links emotional and sexual disconnection, offering practical help.

Power of Language and Validation

• Uses language that validates and opens paths to change.

• Employs hypnotic phrasing to reframe client hopelessness.

• Encourages therapists to choose words carefully for impact.

Final Thoughts and Resources

• Invites attendees to trainings in Boulder, Colorado.

• Answers questions, including on mismatched sexual desire.

• References her book The Sex-Starved Marriage for further insights.