BT10 Workshop 27 - One Foot Out the Door - Working With Couples on the Brink - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

Description:

Few couples seem as unlikely to profit from therapy as those in which one partner has already decided to leave. Yet, even at this point, a therapist has an opportunity to turn the situation around. In this workshop, you will learn concrete, step-by-step techniques to help people with seemingly intractable problems – one spouse’s unwillingness to seek therapy, a divorce in process, and on-going infidelity – to resolve their difficulties and reclaim their lives.

Educational Objectives:

1. List three strategies for helping couples heal from infidelity.
2. Describe a step-by-step map for doing couples therapy with one spouse.
3. List the moment(s) when a therapist can no longer be of help.  

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Overview and Introduction

• Michelle Weiner Davis introduces the topic: "One Foot Out the Door"—working with ambivalent partners.

• Shares her professional background and passion for helping couples avoid divorce.

• References personal experiences and earlier workshops that shaped her approach.

Personal Background and Therapist Values

• Her mother’s divorce shaped Michelle’s belief in marriage preservation.

• Emphasizes how therapists’ values and personal experiences influence their work.

The Role of Hope in Therapy

• Hope is essential for couples to overcome problems and for therapists to be effective.

• Shares data showing most divorces are preventable with skills and support.

• Uses analogy of cancer patients benefiting from positive expectations.

Understanding Relationship Patterns

• “Falling out of love” often stems from unmet expectations and poor skills.

• Marriages go through predictable difficult transitions.

• Many couples who stay in unhappy marriages eventually improve.

• Introduces “walkaway wife syndrome”—when women disengage emotionally before leaving.

Therapy Challenges with Walkaway Wives

• Describes how emotionally checked-out wives and reactive husbands create a loop.

• Rebuilding trust requires women to witness real change.

• Therapists must build rapport and rekindle hope.

Importance of Quality Time

• Couples must prioritize their marriage—daily connection and regular dates.

• Teaches couples to adopt a “divorce busting mindset.”

• Describes the “last resort technique” for when one spouse is ready to leave.

Working with One Spouse

• Working with just one partner avoids blame and improves progress.

• Focuses on what the motivated partner can do to spark change.

• Encourages tracking positive change and personal responsibility.

Seven-Step Individual Program

• Starts with defining solution-focused, actionable goals.

• Identifies what works (do more) and what doesn’t (do less).

• Helps clients explore their partner’s perspective and look for exceptions.

• Turns clients into “solution detectives.”

Addressing Infidelity in Therapy

• Infidelity is a common issue that can be healed through genuine change.

• Emphasizes rebuilding trust and transforming relational patterns.

• Shares insights from years of experience with infidelity cases.

Encouraging Creativity

• Encourages trying unconventional “zany” interventions.

• Uses metaphor (e.g., Bateson’s otters) to highlight novelty in relationships.

Infidelity’s Emotional Impact

• Infidelity can feel like PTSD—deep emotional trauma.

• No one-size-fits-all rule; therapist flexibility is key.

• Couples need experienced guidance and personalized plans.

Disclosure and Managing Affairs

• Disclosure sometimes helps, but can also damage trust.

• Some affairs are managed privately to allow time for relationship repair.

• Individual therapy for the unfaithful partner is essential.

Therapist Boundaries and Process

• Clearly define confidentiality and boundary rules with both spouses.

• Maintain focus on the marriage as the client, not individuals.

• Tailor the approach to the needs of each unique situation.

Healing and Rebuilding Trust

• Recovery is slow and includes emotional highs and lows.

• Couples must balance processing the affair and moving forward.

• Affection and time together can accelerate healing.

Tasks for the Betrayed Spouse

• Express feelings, ask for reassurance, and avoid accusations.

• Decide which details are helpful or harmful.

• Identify what helps them feel safer and ask for those needs.

Tasks for the Unfaithful Spouse

• End the affair, show remorse, and understand why it happened.

• Commit to doing whatever is needed to rebuild trust.

• Be accountable, transparent, and patient.

Managing Post-Affair Reassurance

• Provide complete schedules and frequent check-ins.

• Travel with spouse to restore a sense of safety.

• Avoid defensiveness; show consistent care and transparency.

Last Resort Technique

• For spouses whose partner won’t end the affair.

• Stop pleading and start focusing on self-care and unpredictability.

• Create a sense of mystery to regain attention and shift dynamics.

Success Stories

• Couple reunited after the unfaithful spouse ended the affair.

• Stresses slow reconciliation to avoid emotional backlash.

• Highlights transformative power of the last resort technique.