BT06 Workshop 30 - It Takes One to Tango - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

That only one partner is willing to seek relationship therapy should not deter therapists since there is much that can be accomplished. In fact, there are occasions when working with only one partner is preferable. This workshop will explore these situations and offer therapists a conceptual framework for conducting relationship-oriented sessions with one partner present.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe how seeing couples with divergent goals can be detrimental.
2. To describe how to ascertain the absent partner's views and goals for the relationship.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Workshop Overview

• Introduced topic: working with one spouse in couples therapy.

• Challenged the assumption that both partners must attend therapy.

Ethical Considerations and Beliefs

• Discussed ethics of working with one partner.

• Expressed belief that most marriages can and should be saved.

• Emphasized teaching relationship skills over focusing on love.

Challenges and Misconceptions

• Addressed myths about solo couples therapy.

• Shared anecdote on how one person’s change can affect others.

• Highlighted importance of leveraging the motivated partner’s efforts.

Therapist Biases and Challenges

• Cautioned against therapist bias when only one partner attends.

• Discussed risk of one partner growing while the other does not.

• Encouraged focusing on action over discussion.

Theory and Practice

• Urged therapists to prioritize behavior and interaction over talk.

• Critiqued therapy’s verbal bias; stressed non-verbal dynamics.

• Used a therapy clip to illustrate shift from talk to action.

Common Myths in Couples Work

• Refuted the idea that both partners must be present.

• Reinforced value of action and observable change.

• Emphasized behavioral over verbal interventions.

Case Example: Walk Away Wife Syndrome

• Explained how women often act as relationship caretakers.

• Described exit strategies women use when leaving marriages.

• Addressed challenges in helping disengaged husbands reconnect.

Prevention and Early Intervention

• Promoted spending quality time as a form of prevention.

• Acknowledged demands of work and responsibilities.

• Shared tips to help couples prioritize their connection.

Confidentiality and Ethics

• Outlined how to manage confidentiality when seeing one partner.

• Stressed importance of trust, boundaries, and clear communication.

Conclusion and Next Steps

• Encouraged therapists to work with individuals in couples work.

• Reiterated value of action-focused therapy.

• Invited attendees to future trainings and seminars.

Divorce Busting Website and Online Community

• Described the Divorce Busting website and message board support group.

• Noted peak use occurs during work hours (9–5).

• Mentioned extensive community support from experienced users.

Finding the Right Therapists

• Shared challenges in finding marriage-friendly therapists.

• Described training a select group for telephone coaching.

• Outlined the three-day intensive plus follow-up training.

Seven-Step Marriage Counseling Framework

• Introduced a structured seven-step program.

• Emphasized clear, action-oriented, positive goals.

• Focused on identifying exceptions and leveraging strengths.

Working with Marital Problems

• Validating feelings is key to building rapport.

• Help clients shift focus from problems to goals.

• Understand both partners’ perspectives to build solutions.

Focusing on Exceptions and Strengths

• Look for times the couple functioned better—identify “exceptions.”

• Reinforce past successes and strengths.

• Help clients replicate what has worked before.

Addressing Repetitive Patterns

• Described “more of the same” behavior—repeating what doesn’t work.

• Urged therapists to help clients commit to doing something different.

• Shared personal story illustrating this principle.

Handling Infidelity

• Treat emotional and physical affairs similarly—as betrayal.

• Approach infidelity with empathy and focus on positive change.

• Support clients in repairing their marriages post-affair.

Supporting Military Couples

• Acknowledged stressors of deployment and separation.

• Suggested using tech for connection: email, texts, calls.

• Promoted education and prep for relationship resilience during service.

Modeling Change and Growth

• Therapists should model change by challenging themselves personally.

• Emphasized emotional connection and healing personal cut-offs.

• Ended with a call to action: therapists must grow to help others grow.