CC13 Topical Panel 01 - Infidelity - Ellyn Bader, PhD; Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD; Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

Educational Objectives:

1. Compare and contrast clinical philosophical perspectives of experts.   

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Panel Introduction

• Panelists: Ellen Bader, Janice Abrahms Springs, Michelle Wiener Davis.
• Topic: Helping couples and individuals navigate affairs and infidelity.
• Format: Position statements → Dialogue → Audience Q&A.

Janice Abrams Springs – Key Points

• 37 years of experience with infidelity cases.
• Warns against unrealistic marriage expectations ("catastrophic dullness" is normal).
• Shared a story about premarital therapy misconceptions.
• Stresses the need to create a vision for life post-affair and prep couples for emotional ups and downs.

Ellen Bader – Key Points

• Affairs are nuanced; the internal world of the unfaithful partner matters.
• Distinction: Affair = physical/sexual | Infidelity = breach of trust/loyalty.
• Highlights complexity when couples want to divorce after infidelity.
• Quotes a client: "The affair was like looking at a bright light in the darkness" (illustrating internal conflict).

Michelle Wiener Davis – Key Points

• Specializes in couples "on the brink," often due to infidelity.
• Metaphor: Healing from infidelity like a bone healing stronger after breaking—requires hard work.
• Therapists should maintain hope and normalize the rocky healing process.
• Notes: Despite cultural shifts, many clients are still in the initial shock phase.

Open Secrets Policy & Managing Disclosures

• Janice: Supports an "open secrets" policy—transparent agreements on what is shared.
• Michelle: Gives couples the option—openness or confidentiality.
• Pros/cons of full disclosure vs. keeping secrets are debated.
• Important: Therapists create a safe, structured space.

Affair Disclosures & Individual Sessions

• Strategies when one partner confides in the therapist about an affair.
• Janice: Use individual sessions to process ambivalence before disclosing.
• Michelle: Helps clients explore their integrity and decide—example of a woman ending an affair for self-respect.
• Therapist’s role: Support honest decision-making and anticipate fallout.

Infidelity Complexities & Therapeutic Approaches

• Discussion touches on biological/evolutionary reasons for affairs.
• Both clinicians emphasize focusing on individual values, integrity, and consequences.
• Therapists must manage secrets carefully and provide structure.

Dealing with Violence

• Jill shares an experience with a violent client reaction.
• Emphasis on:
  • Recognizing red flags.
  • Having a de-escalation and safety plan ready.
  • Ensuring all parties remain safe.

Ongoing Affairs During Couples Therapy

• How to proceed when an affair is still active:
  • Janice: Use individual sessions to explore motivations and options.
  • Michelle: Focus on integrity and long-term consequences.
• Goal: Help partners face the emotional impact and decide on next steps.

Final Thoughts & Audience Q&A

• Repeated emphasis on:
  • Honoring each partner’s feelings.
  • Tailoring the approach to the couple's unique situation.
  • Balancing honesty, safety, and integrity.
• Final takeaway: Infidelity is complex—therapists guide healing without one-size-fits-all answers.