CC25 Workshop 03 - Here We Go Again: Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Fights? - Ari Tuckman, PsyD

Couples usually get stuck on the same topics and feel frustrated that they keep running around the same unsatisfying circles. This could be the big three (parenting, sex, and money) or it could be other topics. They come to couples therapy hoping to break out of these ruts—and fearful that they can’t. Often, they expect the therapist will explain to their partner why they need to make most of the changes and why the first partner is right about what they’re asking. This sets up the therapy to be just as stuck. Avoiding this trap requires the therapist to stay away from problem-solving and to instead focus on teaching the necessary skills for the partners to tolerate their differences—to focus more on the process of their disagreements than the content.
Breaking free of these old patterns requires strong leadership by the therapist to help each partner see how they contribute to the dynamic—and how they therefore have the ability to get more of what they want if they approach their partner differently. This begins by creating greater clarity for each partner about what they want and why they want it, beyond the surface level where they get stuck. Then we need to help the partners negotiate more effectively so they can create a sustainable agreement. Finally, we teach the partners how to do the better thing when it’s hard to do which is where the rubber really meets the road. By building better differentiation, the partners learn to not only resolve the current fights, but also to strengthen the relationship overall and enjoy each other more.

1. Identify how couples get and stay stuck on the same old fights
2. Explain to each partner why it’s more helpful to focus on the process of their arguments rather than the content
3. Apply more effective strategies to help each partner shift their half of the dynamic