CC23 Workshop 08 - PACT: Repairing Partner Betrayal - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

This two-hour workshop will demonstrate how to organize and approach partner betrayal. In this case, the secret-keeper has kept vital information from the discovery-partner – such as a love affair, sexual acting out, financial decisions, a secret life, and other instances where the secret-keeper withheld, lied, and used gaslighting to cover their tracks. The reveal or discovery of important information that, if previously known, would have changed everything, is arguably the most devastating form of betrayal in romantic relationships. The discovery partner almost always exhibits PTSD symptoms of mood instability, sleep problems, flash backs, intrusive and obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and abandonment depression. A specific therapeutic architecture and therapist stance is vital to a successful therapeutic outcome of secure functioning.

Attendees will learn how to approach this unidirectional betrayal structure through and video example.

Learning Objectives:

1. List at least five characteristics of a secure-functioning relationship.
2. Describe the structural architecture of this type of betrayal.
3. Clarify the roles of each partner (secret-keeper/discovery-partner).
4. Discuss with partners the process of recovery and what will be expected.
5. List at least three possible outcomes of betrayal cases.

Outline:

Introduction and Betrayal Overview

• “DICE” = Discovery of Information that Changes Everything—central to betrayal.

• Betrayal includes lying, cheating, withholding, or mismanaging third-party relationships.

• Co-managing thirds is essential to maintaining trust and security in a couple.

Types and Impact of Betrayal

• Betrayal forms: affairs, broken agreements, withholding key info.

• Most damaging: discovering info that would have changed the relationship.

• Effects can mimic PTSD—mood swings, sleep issues, obsessive thoughts.

Therapist as Investigator

• Therapist must gather detailed data—who, what, when, where, how.

• Narratives can mislead; observe behavior, facial expressions, and shifts in tone.

• Avoid assumptions; corroborate all claims.

Discovery Partner (DP) vs. Secret Keeper (SK)

• DP holds power; SK must show remorse and rebuild trust through transparency.

• No moral equivalence should be made between DP and SK.

• Clear boundaries and structure are critical for repair.

Therapeutic Structure and Process

• Frequent, short sessions work best for betrayal crises.

• Early therapy focuses on stabilization and explaining the painful path ahead.

• Therapist must maintain composure and lead toward secure functioning.

Need for Structured Therapy

• No solo therapy—individual sessions may sabotage joint progress.

• All professionals involved must align around the couple’s joint recovery.

• Leverage the pain to establish a more resilient, secure system.

Maintaining DP’s Power

• DP must use their leverage to prevent further betrayal.

• SK must accept terms and prove behavioral change.

• Therapist reinforces DP’s authority and ensures SK takes accountability.

Betrayal’s Long-Term Effects

• Recovery may take a year or more.

• Therapist supports both partners while holding SK to visible change.

• Trust rebuilds through sustained effort and transparency.

Therapist’s Role

• Stay calm, observant, and directive.

• Emphasize mutual respect, honesty, and building a secure system.

• Use non-verbal cues and micro-expressions as key data.

King and Queen Exercise

• Ritualized role-play: SK kneels, DP sits elevated.

• SK recites emotionally charged lines to express remorse (“Everything I have is yours”).

• Goal: invoke regret and penetrate procedural memory.

Redemption Pose and Regret

• DP later addresses SK in reverse role to elicit regret.

• Reinforces past consequences and emotional loss.

• Inspired by Fonagy’s work on regret in BPD—regret as a learning catalyst.

Setting the Table for Treatment

• Begin by collecting full timelines and details from both.

• DP asks questions; SK must be fully honest.

• Therapist avoids rescuing or shielding either partner.

Managing Suspicion and New Info

• Always validate DP’s suspicions; ongoing deception must be ruled out.

• Treatment progresses only when suspicion eases.

• Investigation is ongoing—new facts shift direction.

Joint vs. Individual Therapy

• Avoid individual sessions—introduce bias and weaken dyadic system.

• Info must emerge in joint context; if one partner was previously seen alone, refer out.

• Therapist must be skilled in real-time investigation during couple sessions.

Addressing Safety and Aggression

• Emotional exercises require prior assessment of aggression risk.

• Avoid evocative work unless couple’s dynamic is understood and safe.

• Allow decompression time before and after intense interventions.

Supporting the Discovery Partner

• DP is in crisis and needs strong therapeutic support.

• Therapist must validate their pain while holding both partners accountable.

• Amplify DP’s pain when needed to foster engagement and authenticity.

Therapeutic Integrity and Adaptation

• Stay purpose-centered; the goal is a measurable, secure-functioning bond.

• Be flexible: adjust techniques based on real-time data and partner reactions.

• Stay curious; avoid rigid thinking or preconceived models.

Final Thoughts and Q&A

• Reaffirm importance of joint therapy—no solo work in betrayal recovery.

• Secure functioning or bust—real relationships are achievable with structure.

• Ended with audience Q&A on timelines, evidence, and risk management