Description:

Join Ellyn Bader as she provides a solid introduction to The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. This model enables you to make a targeted assessment of what’s wrong and then select stage-specific interventions based on the developmental capacities your clients are lacking. Learn to move your clients from hurt, bitterness and outrage to collaboration, openness and increased accountability. Ellyn will use video demos and transcripts to reveal the power of this model.

Educational Objectives:

1. Integrate Attachment and Differentiation Theory and Apply these to Couples Development.
2. Demonstrate an understanding of basic neuroscience to explain couples fight patterns.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction to the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy

• Workshop held by the Milton H. Erickson Foundation in Manhattan Beach, CA (April 2, 2019).
• Speaker discusses using older videos and seeks audience feedback.
• Highlights the challenge of idealized relationship images in North American culture.
• Emphasizes the desire to maintain the “in love” feeling and how relationships evolve into conflict-avoidant or hostile patterns.

Parallels Between Childhood and Adult Relationships

• References Bowlby, Mahler, and Pine’s theories on childhood development.
• Describes Mahler’s stages: autistic, symbiotic, and differentiation.
• Introduces libidinal object constancy—maintaining connection through frustration or separation.
• Emphasizes self-soothing and emotional regulation as key adult skills.

Stepping Stones Brochure & Relationship Evolution

• Introduces the “Stepping Stones” tool to help clients understand normal relationship stages.
• Falling in love described as temporary symbiosis; differentiation begins when partners express individuality.
• Shares an example of a couple fighting over a grocery list to illustrate early differentiation.

Differentiation vs. Individuation

• Differentiation: managing emotional connection while asserting self in relationships.
• Individuation: developing self-esteem independently.
• Rapprochement phase: couples seek closeness while fearing it.
• Final stage: synergistic/interdependent relationship marked by strong “we” and solid “I”.

Common Challenges in Couples Therapy

• Two types of stuck couples: hostile-angry and conflict-avoidant.
• Hostile couples escalate quickly, lack accountability, and project blame.
• Conflict-avoidant couples appear friendly but remain emotionally distant.
• Emphasizes setting clear goals and expectations in therapy.

Demonstration: The Paper Exercise

• Couples must decide who gets a symbolic piece of paper—reveals dynamics like control, negotiation, and boundaries.
• Used to assess developmental stage and target interventions.
• Therapist provides feedback on self-definition, conflict handling, and emotional giving/receiving.

Audience Q&A and Final Thoughts

• Questions on cultural dynamics, dominance in couples, and fear in conflict-avoidant relationships.
• Therapist stresses understanding each partner’s developmental needs.
• Encourages therapists to go slow and use feedback to move couples forward.
• Concludes with value of the paper exercise in uncovering core relational issues.